>The Zombie Apocalypse


I need to preface this with the disclaimer that I realize the likelihood of the events I will describe happening are slim to none. However, like the proverbial "carrot" dangling in front of a horse, I have a deep desire to procure (or experience) the things that I am physically incapable of obtaining (or experiencing). I will explain the points I am about to make, but know that with these surface desires come deeper motivations behind them. 

I cannot wait for the zombie apocalypse. 

There, I said it, as if the world already didn't know by the "support zombies" ribbon I sport on my car or the literal game plan for when it finally goes down I have worked out with my roommates, now you, my reader, know of one of my deepest desires. Perhaps it's that deep down like every man, I crave that fight for your life, and who better to fight than the freakin undead? I'll answer that question for you: HOARDS of the undead. We'll have to board up the windows and fight both flesh-hungry mutants and onsetting cabin fever, as well as cope with the constant struggle to find sustenance so we can wait out the horrendous events that unfold. 

Deeper than these superfluous and carnal reasons for wanting a zombie apocalypse lie three ulterior rationalizations why this particular scenario will HELP mankind, rather than hurt it. The first of these is that it will rid our society of stupid people. In any given end of the world scenario you will be forced to use rational thinking, on-the-fly problem solving, physical stamina and mental determination, and frankly those not dead-set on surviving will be eliminated in a grotesque and brutal manner. Am I saying that I believe natural selection is onto something? Perhaps. Maybe I'm just saying that in the meantime while we are waiting patiently for this glorious day of equalization, we should simply take the warning labels off of everything and let this problem take care of itself.

The second reason, equal in importance as the a fore mentioned, is simply that a bartering and trading society will function far better than whatever the system we have today, which quite literally works BECAUSE of debt. Basically, currency is the only physical representation we can comprehend of something that you exchange for survival. In America today, that thing that we exchange in order to survive is thin paper coated in green magnetic ink that diminishes in its value every second of the day. It is something that will run out (either of quantity or value, either would be equally catastrophic) and thus is an object simply waiting for its turn to be obsolete. When the undead attack from beyond the grave, the thing that we will exchange for survival could be literally any number of things. Homemade weapons? Protection? Anti-Zombie spray? All superfluous things will be thrown out the window and we will carry with us only those things that we need. 

Finally, what we will learn which is perhaps the most important thing we can possibly squeeze out of this terrifying scenario is the true gift we have in each other (and in God, but I feel like I could make that an entirely separate entry). The single most important thing to surviving the zombie apocalypse will be your ability to rely on others instead of ourselves. It will be crucial to have someone to get your back, and equally as crucial to get somebody else's back. There will be no more I-this and Me-that, but rather "we." Without that "we" you become literal zombie fodder. 

While I understand that the zombie apocalypse will not happen, deep down I really really wish it would. I suppose maybe this could be read as some sort of Nazi cleansing experiment but I assure you this is not the case. When we are pitted as men against un-men, we are simply that, men (feminazis, I apologize. "Men" is simply a word that is use to refer to humankind as a whole, as both "men" and "women" have the word "men" in their name. Oh, and feminazis, you'll be the first to go, just saying... anyway I digress). Race will no longer be an issue. Politics will finally die. BMW's will become nests for smelly zombie babies and your mansion will be the last place you want to be, because of the vast number of dark shadows the undead can lurk. Honestly, I see this as an improvement, and the above three reasons might be the very things that prove the zombie apocalypse is exactly what humanity needs. 

Hamilton Barber

The subject of this page is an introverted writer/musician/lunatic from Chattanooga, TN who dabbles in lexical dexterity, unorthodox thoughts on prosperity, and being overwhelmingly undeserving of the privilege of waking up every day. He hopes that everybody who reads these words takes them to heart and leaps higher than he ever could. He reads, thinks, and speaks too much; he listens, works, and loves too little; and he says “I” entirely too often. The words on these pages are not his: they are the words that were given to him.